Into The Dying Fire
by Diane Langley
Summary: While looking into the dying fire of the common room, Sirius Black reflects on his deepest emotions. ONE SHOT


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I'm sitting here, staring into the dying fire. It's late at night. James and Remus are up to something on the grounds. They asked me to go. I declined politely. I don't feel like it. Today was the worst day of my life. It should have been happy. I should have congratulated them. But I couldn't. I look at my owl, Artemis, who has flown in. Something in me needs to let all of this out. So, sitting here in the deserted common room, I start to talk to my owl.  
  
"You see, I can't even look at them together. My best friend, James Potter, got his wish today. He and Lily Evans started dating. They love each other. It's clear in their eyes. Why didn't I see it before? Maybe I was too blinded my own hope. Because I love Lily Evans.  
  
First year, I boarded the train and sat down in an empty compartment. Soon, a petite girl with pretty red hair pulled back in a ponytail and freckles dotting her nose stepped into my compartment. She asked if she could sit with me. I nodded and she promptly sat down, telling me all about herself and smiling. That was the first time I met Lily. I'll remember forever that among all the compartments she could have chosen, she chose mine.  
  
Second year, she and I were paired up for Potions and I spent the whole year pretending to have trouble so that beautiful young lady would help me. We spent many evenings curled up in the common room, reviewing and studying and talking. We talked a lot and it meant a lot to me that she trusted me with so many of her valued secrets.  
  
It was third year, when Lily made the Quidditch team, that my best friend fell in love with her. He told her so and made a pest of himself. Whenever she couldn't take him annoying her any more, Lily came to me. I gave both of them advice, almost played the matchmaker. That was what James had asked me to do. But my heart wasn't in it. I didn't want them together.  
  
Fourth year, James became ridiculous. He asked Lily out constantly, teased, and flirted with her. He was star of the Quidditch team and he and I were the most wanted guys in Hogwarts. Yet somehow, Lily evaded his charm that every other girl fell for. She saw him as an arrogant jock with about as much charm and wit as a toerag. She evaded me too. I spent all my time with James, so in her mind, I was no better than he was. And in reality, I wasn't.  
  
Fifth year, was an O.W.L.s year. Everyone was cramming and the teachers pushed and pushed us. Lily and I were prefects. Night patrols were incredible. We'd walk the halls together. We'd talk a lot, too. And we studied together. It was great to be with her so much. She had the most musical laugh and a great smile. It was rarely seen around my friends and I (it was this year that we became the Marauders), but after our wonderful nights and evenings together, her laugh would still be ringing in my ears.  
  
Sixth year, Lily came back to school having blossomed over the summer. She was no longer just another girl to any one. She was amazing. Her hair was wavy and long, framing her fair face (which still had a trace of those freckles I loved). She was tall and slender. Smart, fun, beautiful...suddenly every guy could see what I had been watching since first year. I rarely got to be around Lily that year. She was always mobbed by people. And her attitude towards James had changed. She had noticed how hard he was trying to be polite and decent. He was one of the people she was beginning to like. I hated people surrounding her constantly. But there were a few moments where she would flash me that beautiful smile and I knew that she hadn't forgotten about all our great times together.  
  
All of that is in the past now. Now I am sitting here in this room, wishing she were still the little girl I was best friends with. Now she is with my best friend. He ran into the room earlier, a huge grin on his face and told me the news. The thing he has been waiting for since third year has finally happened."  
  
Artemis hoots impatiently and I laugh at myself.  
  
"And I am telling you all of this." I mutter, stroking her tawny feather and handing her the letter she had come for. I stand up, shaking myself off. I find it hard to believe I could talk to an owl that long. I start to head up the stairs when I feel someone grab my wrist. I stop and turn. Green eyes meet mine and my heart thuds painfully hard in my chest. Lily is standing there; tears welled up in her beautiful eyes.  
  
I start to ask how long she has been there, but I don't need to. I already know the answer. The silence stretches out before us. I am about to turn and walk up to the dormitory. There is no reason to stand here and embarrass myself further. But she stops me with a sad smile. She puts her arms around me and I hold her. I don't know what will come of this evening. I don't care at the moment. All I want is to sit here, with Lily in my arms...forever... 


End file.
